The idea of sex is always exciting as it is widely accepted as one of the few pleasurable activities that require absolutely no revenue to enjoy. In addition to skin to skin sexual contact, much excitement and satisfaction are also found with those wonderful plastic and metal companions we tend to keep stuffed away hidden underneath some risque undergarments in the top drawer. Owing to the fact that the sexual appetites of many become nearly insatiable when faced with the lustful thoughts that accompany the notion of engaging ourselves with such naughty playthings, teledildonics and sex toys in general, have become increasingly intermingled within the sex lives of those brave enough to buy them. So in the quest to find our ultimate sexual ecstasy, technology was embraced, and that led to the invention of even naughtier sex machines with big dicks, tight pussies (simulated of course) and boundless energy to provide unparalleled measures of fulfillment.
Teledildonics and sex machines have advanced from unwieldy niche products that only the most brazen and bold would ever consider purchasing (let alone letting others know they have them) and widely thought of as being aimed at a market of lonely people who can’t find any real humans to gratify them, to being somewhat unwieldily products that we can all use to enhance and liven up an already exciting and perfectly healthy sex life; and may even perhaps begin replacing humans job for giving sexual gratification sometime in the future (I hope not, I love good old fashioned analog fucking). They can be readily acquired by any and all who need them, so long as they can afford them, and in celebration of them I will be sharing a list of some of the most well-known, most expensive, and wildly fuckable sex machines that I think everybody reading this blog owes to themselves to see them in action.
So without further adieu, I give you:
The Thrillhammer Sex Machine
Looking like something out of a cheesy 1980’s horror movie, the Thrillhammer is a device designed by Allen Stein and built by his company of the same name (Thrillhammer). The Last time I checked on this machine (it debuted in 2009 and seeing I can’t find any place to buy it anymore, I suspect it has been discontinued), it was valued at a whopping $3,595 for the cheaper models, so unless you are either super-rich or willing to spend your hard earned holiday pay on a massive, cold and uncaring fuck machine (assuming you can find a place to buy it), you aren’t likely to be seeing it’s massive and merciless cock pounding anybody anytime soon (aside from the many videos you can find online showing them in use). So you will just have to trust me (or go watch some videos of it in action. Seriously, just Google this shit, it isn’t hard to find) when I say that this machine doesn’t perform any less than it is named (you know, with all the “thrilling” and “hammering” and whatnot).
So just what exactly is the Thrillhammer Sex machine? Well, the original was a 700 LB behemoth comprised of a 1920’s gynecological chair, replete with multiple lighting appendages (to benefit viewers) and a Sybian on steroids strapped vertically to the front; but some subsequent models have seen the chairs replaced with newer models and the Sybian is occasionally swapped out for robotic piston dildos.
One of the first true teledildonic machines on the market, viewers are able to control the speed and intensity of the device (for a fee of course) bringing their favorite porn stars to a blabbering bubbling mess of pussy drippings, sweat and I assume, the occasional tear or two (we are talking crying from pleasure here, not from pain); So if you own a teledildonics device of any fashion, give a nod to Thrillhammer as they are the ones who started it all.
The Shockspot Robotic Fucking Machine
Similar to some of the revised robotic piston Thrillhammer machines mentioned above, sans Gyno chair, the Shockspot Fucking Machine (formally known as the “Shockspot Fucking System”) is a high-tech teledildonic dildo-on-a-hydraulic-piston that is sure to send whoever is brave enough to try it into orgasm after shuddering orgasm. Valued at around $2,100 USD (twice that for the double-dildo model), nearly every aspect of this machine’s performance can be controlled by either remote control or even voice control, and it also boasts programmability, as well as the biggest expansion to folded ratio of any device on the market, making it not only one of the most fuckable fuck-machines on the market but also the most portable.
The length of the stroke, smoothness, speed, and pattern can all be changed at the touch of a button and the Shockspot Robotic Fucking Machine (sure, the name is unwieldy, but you can’t help but like it) produces motions that are impossible for rotary-based fuck machines (click your heels together 3 times and say “Fuck machines, fuck machines, fuck machines!” and see what happens). So although that’s a fuck-ton of cash you’d be spending on getting (or giving) a good pounding, once you see the satisfaction derived from its use I think you will agree that those who can afford it, should afford it!
If all of that isn’t enough to convince you this is one machine worth stuffing up your ass/pussy (I wouldn’t advise letting it fuck your mouth, at least not if you value your teeth) the entire system is plug and play, so you hook it up via USB or Bluetooth, and it instantly responds (seriously, this shit’s like magic) to your commands through the Touch and Feel software installed on your PC, laptop computer, palm button, and/or mobile app.
Above all, it accommodates any desired position from lying, kneeling, sitting, to a full standing position in less than fifteen seconds. So if you just can’t wait and need it to get a good and hard cold fucking (these are machines, remember?) NOW, this is one machine that is sure not to let you down (although a good dildo, or even your hand, will probably get you off just as well; but where’s the fun in that?).
While not a sex machine per se (ok, it’s not a sex machine at all) I figured the gorgeously crafted “Suki Terra” dildo by Liberator bears a quick mention, not only because it is so uniquely (read, weird) designed, but because it is the most ridiculously expensive non-teledildonic (this shit don’t even vibrate yo) dildo any of us here at VRSexSpot.com have ever seen. I mean, who in the flying fuck can afford to spend more than $200 US dollars on a tiny glass dildo? More art than sex toy, Liberator promises that the Suki Terra will take your pleasure “to a whole new level of sophistication”; whatever the fuck that means.
So if you aren’t turned off by the price alone and actually want to know a little bit more about this ode to people-who-just-have-way-too-much-money-or-don’t-know-how-in-the-fuck-to-spend-money-wisely’s sex lives, it features:
- Glass exterior with 7.5″ insertion length.
- Handcrafted rough-head design.
- Storage bag
- Fancy markings and
- a whole fuck of a lot of buyers remorse.
Now let me be clear here, I understand more than most people that sex toys don’t generally come cheap. 30 to 40 bucks for a nice and pretty glass dildo isn’t at all uncommon, but if you are going to spend more than 2 bills on a small device you are going to fuck yourself with, try getting one that rotates and hooks up to the internet for fuck sakes; otherwise, you are fucking yourself in ways you probably never intended to, and if other people know you have it you’re likely looking like an idiot while you are at it.
The Sybian Machine
If you haven’t heard of the Sybian yet, you are either stupid or blind (because I mentioned it earlier in this article) and you haven’t watched enough Howard Stern. Valued at somewhere in the ballpark of a cool and crisp $1,345.00 US, the Sybian Machine first became a household name when Carmen Electra decided to demonstrate the toy on the Howard Stern show, cumming repeatedly (or doing a rather skookum job of faking it), much to the delight of listeners and viewers the world over (or however far it is that people listen to Howard Stern).
Featuring a motorized engine, the Sybian resembles a kind of bare-back horse saddle (yes, I realize that doesn’t really make sense but it paints the picture the way I want it) with a little protrusion on the top that can be replaced with various attachments. The girl sits down on it, and it vibrates her nether-regions with such intensity and ferocity that they are often left quivering and unable to do fuck all but scream (with pleasure remember) throughout the majority of the experience.
Regarded as quite comfortable this is certainly the least machine like device on the list, as well as being the most affordable machine (Suki doesn’t count) we have spoken of thus far, so it seems it would be better suited for the average individual or couple who might be interested in spending tons of money on a fuck toy.
So there you have it. If you think you can find better machines to fit this list I challenge you to do so.
Most companies try to keep their toys in the realm of stuff that the average consumer can actually afford, but there are a few out there who go out of their way to create absolutely over-the-top niche products for those of us who wish to spend a fortune on getting our rocks off, and god bless ’em for doing so.
Do let me know if you actually have any real-life experience with these machines. I don’t know anybody personally who has used one, but I would love to talk to them about it if I did; and seeing somebody actually using one in person would be somewhat of a dream-cum-true, don’t you think?